Death Becomes Me

They say that life is an adventure. Life is a journey. Have you heard that life is precious and not to waste it. I'm in the mood to be depressed right now and I'm not sure why. It could be because I went to the doctor this morning and my Mitral Valve Prolapse seems to have gotten worse. Death is on my mind. Death. How could something like death control my emotions? It's not fair.

No one knows when they are going to die and what people they will effect. Dying is so unsatisfying to me. I guess I don't want to die. Maybe because I haven't lived my life. Now, I don't know that I'm going to die because of my Mitral Valve Prolapse, but eventually, I know I will. Thinking of dying right now, today, or tomorrow makes me just so depressed. I don't know why. It really wouldn't matter that I died once I had died I'm thinking. It's just that . . . I don't know, perhaps what saddens me is the life that I left behind.

No, I'm not sad about my husband or my family--they will find a way I'm sure. It's the "me" and what sort of impression I gave people. I don't want to be the jerk down the street or the one who never spoke up. It just doesn't sound very interesting and "me". I know, who cares about intersting, right? I do. You might. Someone else might.

Will I have kids by the time I die? I don't know. Kids are sort of the main ingredient in leaving behind a legacy. Or do I have that wrong? I don't know.

Life...and how sad would it be if my husband died or someone in my family or a good friend died. It generally doesn't apply at my age you think, but lately, I'm thinking that it does. Death is creeping up on me and has always watched over me since I was little. It haunts me. I'm afraid.

Fear not, you say? Well, in terms of peace I probably don't fear that at all, unless of course I end up in hell. Hell is probably in my future. I'm a bad person apparently in some religions. In mine, not so bad.

I feel like screaming and shouting to the world right now. I don't understand why. No one is here. They can't hear me. I'm not in a good mood and the only person who could comfort me is my husband.

Anyway, enough of that talk.